Well I have now officially lost count on how many times I’ve been to mayo. I’m still overwhelmed by the sheer size of everything here. Right now I’m in a waiting room waiting for a scan that will help guide the surgeons in cutting my leg up and making it fix the hole in my face…. Fucking crazy.

Hospitals are sort of automatically depressing. There are literally sick people everywhere and you can feel the accumulation of stress in these waiting rooms. It’s like a hotel room stained by hundreds of smoked cigarettes.

This is where people lost people they loved. This is where people find out that their life or the life of their loved one was going to be forever changed in a way you can’t even understand yet. I still feel it. I’m here with the same anxiety and hope and fear that stains the air. This is a particularly odd time for me. These appointments scare me like none where in the past it was just another appointment leading to whatever. Now this surgery is coming really close and I am overwhelmed with emotions and anxiety. I have been super disappointed by basically every effort to make my mouth normal. I’ve had three orbiter trays made and they literally got worse as time went on. And it hurts. A lot.

I’ve had subsequent surgeries and my mouth is literally falling apart. You know that nightmare where you just keep losing teeth? Yeah… I can’t seem to wake up from it.

Now it’s time to put it all back together and my faith in their ability to actually do it and for my body to recover / respond / repair the way it needs to. It’s a lot. It’s all been bad. I’m very nervous about it all.

But, the point is, these waiting rooms are a lot. There’s a lot of emotions here.