I am trying.

So a couple of different things here.  First, just a very basic update.  Hi.   I am continually letting perfection be the enemy of progress and not posting anything.  I get these ideas, I start them, and I do not finish them.   I have a lot going on… but still.   I guess I just keep on wanting to do something amazing.   I am yearning for accomplishment.  Let’s circle back to that.     

So AI is pretty cool.

This is one of those topics I’d like to get all into, probably not very interesting to anyone.   But I get so like… “grr I need an idea” that I actually asked chat gpt what to write about.   They mentioned a gratitude journal.   So I am going to try to explain why I am thankful for something that I am actually NOT thankful for… we’ll see how that works.  

I always wonder if people can even like… understand what I’m saying.   It’s  nice thing to be just a little conscious about all the time.   sheesh.  

So what did we learn so far about cancer?

November
2

I had a few scans on Monday, Nov 6th and then met with my oncologist today.   I am in a frustrating spot.  So the scan on my lungs shows very minor growth but we are talking 2mm, maybe 1mm.   So we are not very concerned about that.   I mean… that feels fucked up to say because yes we are talking about a tumor, that got there through metastasizing, but like… it’s not going to suddenly grown into a volleyball and kill me. 

Since the tumor is not at the original site of the cancer (my sinus) and it’s not connected (that’s what metastasizing means… that it showed up in a second, unconnected spot).   So that meets the criteria for stage four.   But despite all of that I somehow feel like a fraud or something.   It’s so fucking weird.   I’m gonna apologize now but I think I might be using that counting number thing again here…  

Previous / Current Treatment.

So I had been on an oral, daily pill chemotherapy for like… 160 days.  About 20 days into it things got bad… and then they just sort of felt like they got worse and worse.   I was suffering from a variety of side-effects, so let’s jump into a cool list.

I feel like you’re wondering… how many days was it that you were on chemo?   Shit let me tell you: 

Days
100
MG Dose (the highest.. I mean not to brag)
2

OK I am getting tired and I am feeling this thing turn into one of those drafts that sits forever so let me try to get focused on the choice thing.   Or the gratitude thing.  

So today I basically found out that I have some choices in terms of what I do to move forward.   One of them is nothing, one of them is going back on the same dose I was one… another is going on a lower dose.   Another choice is doing on a combination of drugs.   another choice is going on just an IV every 3 weeks.   I will circle back to this post and try to fill in the actual names of the meds if anyone is interested, but I do not have the energy to do it right now.   

And part of that is like.. .emotional energy.   Ever since I left the appointment I have been trying to just not think about it.  But I sort of hate the idea that I have these “options” because I mean they all fucking suck.   And there isn’t one that is like… the one that we KNOW is going to work the very best.   But it’s up to me to choose.   And I just want to say again, that I hate that.  

OK so now try to be grateful about it.

There is another thing that I guess is in the realm of possibility that I guess I need to just address.   And while it might be a touch of doing the Catastrophizing thing that I am so often doing… but let’s think about an option where we do NOT have a choice… since I feel so burdened by it.   That would possibly mean: 

  1.  there had been such aggressive growth that I only had the MOST aggressive treatment as an option (this is not the case)
  2. there was just not as much known about cancer as there currently is, and there was just one size fits all cure and we “hope” it works…
  3. that the cancer was just straight up untreatable and I was going into hospice or whatever happens when you’re just dying from cancer (again, to be clear, this is NOT the case).   

urgh. it kinda sucks when you have to do that... but that's what it is right now.

I am going to just go right ahead and say that I really do NOT like doing what I did above there.   Where you have to just compare your situation to some terrible worst case scenario to feel better.  But, the reality is… it’s cancer, I’m in year 4, and like…. I’m hanging in there in the fight and have some choices.  

There are also other things that I have to be thankful for that I need to try to focus on.   It’s unfortunate how easy it is to just… miss positivity.   There are positive things happening all the time.  But sometimes it does take a little effort or awareness to see them.  

OK.   well, that’s my blog post.  I hope you liked it.    I will try to make it look cooler in the morning.    The fight continues.   Thank you so much to everyone who has already given to this little gofundme thing that has really saved my ass.   Oh, you didn’t know about it?   OK I’ll make a cool button:  

Drawings & Words and Stuff

April 3

Hi everyone.  I’m healing.   I am very thankful for a successful surgery and what is so far been really great recovery.  I mean… if I’m

Stained Waiting Room

also just before you read this, I want to be crystal clear.   Mayo is an unreal facility.  It’s SO pretty.  It’s VERY comfortable.  There’s art,

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