October 4 4 5
Waiting Appointment Party
Well, I finally heard back from my scans. We decided that the enlarged lymph node is enough of a concern that they will be doing a biopsy. I say “we” but like… the language they use when they communicate with you about this stuff can be so frustrating. Like for example in the voicemail she says we can do a biopsy “if you want to”…. Like… wut? Like we need one or we don’t? What do you mean if I want one? It’s just weird. Anyways. I guess I decided I WANT someone to stick a fucking needle in my neck and then extract some of my lymphnode to see if it’s cancer or not. Want. Is that the right word? I don’t think it is.
They are also going to do a colonoscopy because they said they saw something light up in the scan there as well. I am not super worried, I think this is all fairly precautionary stuff. But, or should I say, Butt, the biopsy and colonoscopy I guess are things I can worry about on their own. Yay. I now have 4 appointments over two days so I will have two very long days of driving and waiting around at Mayo. Great. (please know that both “yay” and “great” were used with the heaviest of sarcasm here. Just didn’t want you to miss that)
The Machine.
This whole thing starts to feel like a huge machine. Like you go in on the front end, and they scan you and ask a bunch of stuff and figure out that they need to look at something. Then they cut you open or stick a needle in you and get that stuff out, and then they mail it off somewhere. While all of this sounds fairly simple, the waiting is absolutely fucking brutal. It also takes up so much of my time, which I need to make money. I am trying to train my mind to not get so obsessed with the results. To just let things happen and know that the next thing is more likely to just bring more uncertainty rather than some final result.
My Brain
Honestly I am not sure how to describe my mental health at this point. I can be fine one moment and then the next moment I find myself doing mental math on my life insurance policy and like if that will be enough should I suddenly be not here anymore. It’s so scary and unsettling. I am pouring a lot of myself into work right now just trying to get something positive to happen. Not only for the money but for the distraction as well.
Your Messages
It means so much to hear from you guys. I love that people even read this shit much less take the time to email me and say they like it. It’s really nice and helps me a lot. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Everyone who has reached out and given me money and sent kind words. It all helps so much.
New Work Thing
I’m not really all the way there yet, but I think I am going to expand my company to start building websites for service providers as well. Snow removal, kitchen remodeling, concrete, plumbing, stuff like that. Soon I will be in a position to ask for referrals…. So if you wanna do me a big favor start thinking about if you know anyone who does service stuff that either has no site or a bad one. Maybe it’s someone you hired, or a friend or whatever. Again, very early for all of this.
Trying
I am trying to keep peace in my brain. I am trying to find time to enjoy myself, but I am really struggling with that. It’s hard to relax, it’s hard to want to go and do stuff. Depression is a mother fucker and then you mix in all this anxiety and uncertainty with it and it’s a lot. But, I’m trying as hard as I can all the time. And I will keep on trying as hard as I can.
